TOP 10 WAYS TO INTERNET

…Like A Rookie.

1. Do you make sure that when sending your phone number to someone, you never just send it in a private message? If so, you’re off to a good start. Always ensure personal details are broadcast loud and clear to the entire Internet audience, a la Charlie Sheen attempting to send Justin Beiber his phone number but then accidentally sharing it with the world. If you’re in need of some more pointers on how to go about this, why not give Charlie a ring. Cause you have his number and all.

2. Better yet, have you uploaded a pic recently of your bank account details? If so, congrats! Your Internet know-how is up there with the likes of Big Brother winner Tim Dormer, who generously shared an image of his personal bank account with the world, with his newly accumulated Big Brother-win wealth. If you’re keen to mirror this kind of stupidity generosity, simply screenshot your online banking and you will be well on the way to allowing the world wide web to access your funds. Kind-hearted Internet camaraderie at its best.

2

3. Number three on your Internet checklist should most definitely be getting nakey and sending pictures of yourself in said disrobed state to your entire contacts list. Look to star of Paramore, Hayley Williams, as your role model for this one, as she “mistakenly” posted a topless pic of herself on Twitter. Sure, sending a nude does mean handing over control of the photo to another person who can do with it whatever they please. But look on the bright side! Even if you delete it seconds after uploading, like Hayley, the image will most likely become immortalised in the great database that is the Internet’s memory (odds are someone will have it downloaded). Therefore your image (and fame) will live on forever more!

3

4. After a big night out, it’s great to be tagged in as many pictures as possible that demonstrate how inebriated you were. Trust me, when recruiters do a quick Google search of you prior to a job interview, they will love to see how cray you can be on a Saturday night. So don’t miss out on this resume enhancing opportunity and be certain to make sure that all your hectic party photos are set to ‘public’ so they’re nice and handy to find in Google Images.

5. Posting Facebook statuses or tweeting about how you truly feel in regards to your latest job is also a great way to improve your reputation and how your online presence will be viewed in the professional world. Take note of the following example:

5

6. Inviting randoms on the Internet to ask you questions – what could possibly go wrong? Robin Thicke recently opened himself up to questioning on Twitter using the hashtag #AskThicke. An explosion of tweets pointing out his misogyny and rape advocacy soon followed, allowing Thicke to know what his “fans” truly thought of him.

6

So in a similar vein, why not give the two safest sites goin round, FormSpring and Qooh.me, a go for all your trolling needs. The Qooh.me website says it offers the chance to “Flirt/chat and be random” with people anonymously – yay, now anonymous online bullying IS possible!

7. Like scrap booking, the sharing of all your misdemeanours online is a great way for you and for others to wander down memory lane and peruse a portfolio of all your naughty deeds. Michael Baker joyfully posted a picture on Facebook of himself siphoning gas from a petrol car in his town, and was shortly arrested after it was seen. While I know you won’t be committing any serious crimes like this guy, brag about that new torrent website you found and you too could be apprehended, just like Mike!

8. Care to reveal how politically unaware you truly are to the world? Or perhaps you’re looking for a convenient, efficient means to offend a large group of people? The Internet can help! In 2011, designer Kenneth Cole made this blissfully ignorant tweet about the violent situation in Egypt:

kc_twitter.top

(Disclaimer: foolish comments you write online may be angrily attacked by the public and can forever return to haunt you)

9.Do you like to save time? Do you like to do so by never logging out of your email or Facebook account? If so, keep up the great work, particularly when on a public computer like one at the Apple Store. Soon enough, strangers all over the world will be able to access your private information. Not only are you saving yourself a precious five seconds you might otherwise have wasted logging out, you’re also saving hackers out there lots of time!

10. Finally, always remember that the most inappropriate pages you “Like” on Facebook have the tendency of surfacing in everyone’s newsfeed, including your Granny’s if you have her as a friend on Facey. Seeing as Facebook’s mission is “to make the world more open and connected”, why bother making your “Liked Pages” private? Honesty is the best policy, right?

final

– Annabelle Pendlebury

 

 

, , , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply