BREAKING NEWS – SANTA EXPOSED

December 25, 2013

Rachael Ward

The work practices of Nicholas ‘Santa’ Clause have once again attracted criticism, following comments issued by the Reindeer Liberation Front that the animals are “overworked” and “despondent” this holiday period.

The description was confirmed on a Sunday night current affairs program by Rudolph, who is on indefinite unpaid leave of absence and recovering from Rihnoplasty surgery.

“Sleigh driver? More like slave driver. And don’t even get me started on the fuss the Big Man made about Blitzen’s gammy knee”

The former employee admits the other reindeer “used to laugh and call [him] names” and has also revealed Clause remains indifferent to controversy surrounding the performance enhancing drugs scandal, labelled “inhumane” by the RLF.

“He was like ‘I’m a pusher, Rudy, I’m a pusher’”

Q.C Christine Mass, who famously likened Santa’s workshop to “A Victorian workhouse”, is considered an expert on North Pole Inc and is currently working pro-bono on the Elven negligence class action against Clause. She declined to comment for this article, though in the past has not ruled out representing any disgruntled reindeer in court.

No stranger to controversy, Rudolph touched on the religious undertones of Christmas day, then went on to say “When you think about it, he’s just an old man entering your kid’s bedrooms unannounced, rewarding them for ‘being good’”. This statement was not taken well on social media.

Saturday night’s tell-all interview is the latest episode in a torrent of negative press Santa faces this festive season.

Health advocates have highlighted their concern for the growing trend of leaving biscuits for Santa to nibble on, and suggest swapping the confection for goji berries or activated almonds. Associate professor Barb Dwyer said “He’s a huge figure in kids’ lives, and parents can’t really justify the kind of example they’re setting if they condone this festival of annual cookie consumption”. No word yet on what parents think of the suggestion.

An unnamed source recently revealed North Pole Inc failed various Occupational Health and Safety requirements such as ‘Testing and tagging’ of their equipment, and complaints have been made to Work safe regarding inadequate workshop lighting during the Northern hemisphere winter months.

Concerns have been raised about Santa refusing to pay penalty rates, though it is believed Tony Abbott is currently investigating an exempt clause for Elves. Bill Shorten has been explicit in his support for minorities, though, astonishingly, doesn’t believe championing Elf rights is politically advantageous.

Just last week dozens of Environmental demonstrators gathered outside Melbourne’s ‘Santaland’ calling for a North Pole environmental sustainability plan. The Environmental Protection Agency have indicated support for the activists, whilst carefully praising Santa’s “Carbon-neutral” delivery methods. The group face an angry mob of toddlers, already livid from Pier’s Akerman’s attack on Peppa Pig.

As one witness, thirty-four year old mother of three, Diane, said “I used to enjoy Christmas”.

All this comes as Mrs Clause faces questions over her ‘excessive’ use of cooking sherry, and whether she is a natural red-head.

More to come as Christmas day unfolds.

– Rachael Ward

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